I am not flexible when it comes to change. Although I know life is not perfect and I need to accept changes, it does not come easy for me. I have learned to accept that public transportation is not perfect… I have come to accept that plans change because of emergencies… but when someone does not stick to a plan because it does not suit him and he fails to relay to others that he is not going to stick to the plan, it enrages me. Do not make plans with me if you know ahead of time that you will not stick to the plan or that you « forgot » the plan… then don’t make plans! Especially not with me.

This happens often with my partner. He is the one who does not remember the plans, changes them to benefit himself and then gaslights other participants to make it their fault.

My brain is more relaxed and calm with a plan!

Please… make plans with me. Just don’t change them without telling me first. I will likely agree to the change because I have at long last learned that I need to be flexible because « stuff happens, » « life is not perfect…» yada, yada, yada…

I am writing this to keep my day from being ruined with my anger. I cannot prevent the tears which are currently falling over my cheeks and hitting the hiking pants I chose to wear today.

I even upgraded my seating assignment to avoid a child kicking me and others in the party standing over me. But I am still unable to stop crying. Why do I feel bad that I am standing up for myself? This is what years (my entire life) of gaslighting does to someone. I wish I had never been born, I wish I had never stayed on this Earth to have to go through this… I am supposed to « control my emotions… » How? One day the fashionable thing is to be true to yourself, speak your truth… until your truth hurts others feelings and then you are supposed to control your emotions… don’t hurt others…

How will those who are hurting me ever learn then? If they are not told, how will they learn?

I have tried waiting until I am calm to talk and express my hurt and how I want to see change. For some reason that does not help. So now I journal. No worries, he will not read my journal entries. I feel safe here.

I am breathing slower now… my heart rate is still a bit high and I have chest and back pain, but that will subside soon. Maybe I am backing away from the cliff now. I look out my train window and see the Thuner See. Water, mountains, forests… all of nature calms me, but sometimes I need to opportunity to say the words and this is the safest place I know to do that.

Until next time…