I am definitely a „hanger oner.“ I hang onto to everything… old cards given to me, photos, clothes that are either worn out or do not fit… and people who I know are not good for my mental health. I cannot let go. And I do not know why.

Trust me… it is not because I think I can change them. I have definitely learned that people do not change unless they want to change. Also, it is not my role to make people change. It is my role to make myself change – and I have changed over the years. For example, I no longer use my ACEs as an excuse to bully others. I realize that it happens (I am hardly perfect), but now I can recognize my part in it and apologize. So, if I have not apologized to anyone out there and I owe it to you… I‘m sorry.

I do not want to leave this world with regret and unsaid apologies.

A few months ago I was working in the US for about 4 1/2 months. It was an intense job and I was away from my family. It was so hard and yet now I miss the quiet of being alone. I miss relying solely on myself. However, I do not want to be away from my husband and children. They really are my best allies. Unfortunately, I forget that sometimes and do not treat them accordingly. And just like a snap of the fingers, I tell myself that I am gonna change and let them know how important they are to me…. But then I get home, I get busy with chores or something else which takes my mind off of the important stuff and BAM!!! … I do not let them know. What is wrong with me?

I started this post thinking about how I do not let stuff go and just like always, I have changed the subject and twisted the point around so that I am suddenly back to making excuses to hang on to stuff… to people… to things I no longer need. I guess I really cannot let go. I do not know if I want to let go. Something must be serving some kind of weird purpose (or is it obsession) … I don’t know … but something keeps me in a weird bubble-type existence that I must find comfortable.

So for now, I am gonna try to get back to daily exercise and meditation so that I am at least a good version of myself. I have given up on striving to be perfect. And yes, years ago I did believe that it was possible to be perfect. I REALLY DID BELIEVE THAT. And no one cared enough to tell me that perfect is just an illusion. No one cared enough to teach me to be loving, caring, and respectful to others even if they did not offer the same in return for my efforts.

But I know that the only way I am going to be truly happy is to be loving, caring, and respectful to others with no expectation of the same being returned to me. Call me stupid if you must… I am used to it. I was called stupid almost my entire life and I believed for a very long time that I was stupid. But I am not stupid… naive, likely… but not stupid.

Anyway… here’s to a new beginning (again!🤣)

I will definitely drink to that. But, then again, I will drink to anything… so there’s that!