Yesterday I decided that the trips which take me all day to complete should be limited to 2 days/week. My biggest concern is not taking care of the cleaning which will make me more stressful and that will be the opposite effect I am trying to gain from the trips. It is weird how we set standards for ourselves (mine is definitely based on cleaning) and even though the goal may be to provide a sense of calm or order, the standard may be impossible to maintain and then we are in a downward spiral that only maintaining the standard can bring us out of… it is as if we intentionally set ourselves up for failure. I know we do not intend for this to be the result, but if we do not share the load or use an accountability partner we are doomed to get lost in the process. Look, I can get lost in a sentence that I am reading or writing so I know when I am thinking about bigger picture issues I will get lost. What matters most is taking care of yourself, trusting yourself, loving yourself. If you love yourself better when you are cleaning or talking about cleaning or making a list about cleaning, then do your thing. However, if that is not what makes you love yourself, then find someone who will help.

Needless to say, I am sitting here in front of my laptop while the laundry is going and the robot is vacuuming my floors. I want to try and keep my weekly chore list complete while also finding new and exciting places to see and hopefully become healthier both mentally and physically. I know it is possible, I just need to keep trying new ways until I get it properly in order. So, today I will go to a nearby village and find another hill to climb, find a nice coffee shop to take my kids to when they come to visit, and find some joy in listening to people talk about whatever it is they need to talk about. This helps me learn the language and helps me feel like I am my own person in a world of lots of other people who are happy and healthy.

Some other things I am trying to help reduce my stress level and blood pressure are:

Listening to my favorite music (not easy because I like almost all music)… Exercising – walking the three hills (I will talk about those in another post) … Eating healthy – 5 servings of fruits and vegetables every day … Meditating … in nature and at home … Letting go of the things I cannot control (this one I am still working on) … Drinking enough water (I try to get at least 3 L/day) … Limiting my alcohol intake …

And even though I have been intentional about these steps, my blood pressure is still reading very high … dangerously high. I can feel it in my back and chest. I am slightly forgetful sometimes… and this scares me. I thought the day trips would relax me, but they seem to not be working as I expected. I know I need to give it time, but the things I listed above are my normal lifestyle, not things I changed because of this visit to the doc last week. I guess that is what scares me the most… I was doing things correctly and it still is not enough. But I am gonna keep walking those hills because that is where I feel the strongest. I cannot elimnate all of my stress because I am a mother who loves her children and worries about them a tiny bit. I am a partner who holds things in to keep the peace sometimes. I am no different than others, I just have something happening in my body right now that I must learn how to manage. Hopefully writing it out will help.

I will let you know where I end up today.